Alicia Villa
Contributed Article
If your relationship is so unimportant to you that you haven’t gotten that not-so-special someone a special something yet, your heart may not be in it. This is a sign that it may be time to get out. You can use the Valentines Day gift as a heads up to her that you really aren’t feeling it anymore.
If you are going to forget a gift for your significant other on Valentine’s Day, you might as well go all out and just get them a really terrible gift. Here are some ideas, you don’t even have to connect the dots on how bad of a gift you’re going to hand over to your sweetheart.
Dollar store teddy bear with dollar store chocolate attached- So simple, so subtle, and so obviously lazy. Remember to keep those standards low.
Gas station rose- Sold as a single, usually already dead, or with a tinge of taco sauce.
Gum- Truly state that this was last minute, like: “I was at the gas station, this was at the checkout counter and it made me think of your fresh breath.” Bonus points: leave it in the bag with the receipt.
Candy Hearts- These were invented for the sole purpose of elementary school V-Day parties. These are not a real gift. Give your beloved a giant sack of them.
Tickets to see your cousin’s really awful band- This one takes a little more planning, about half an hour more. Assuming you have a relative who always has spare tickets to their show in some dive bar. Sweeten them up with a gift bag leftover from christmas.
Handerpants- Nothing says I don’t really care like a pair of hobo-gloves fashioned to look like mens briefs. Side note: these may be found at novelty stores around Spokane.
That awful candle you received as a present but only lit once- This doesn’t need an explanation.
Nasal spray- to cure their high, irritating voice.
An eHarmony subscription- for their inevitably close single status.
If you really want to go for the gusto on the bad gift, you should go overboard and spend a lot of money on a gift, for yourself. Perfect example: a battle-axe (null if you are dating Xena Warrior Princess).
I hope their face looks as disappointed as Peyton Manning’s did during the Superbowl.
*Co-written by my horrid boyfriend, who is now exempt from getting me anything for Valentines Day.